The Goddess He Asked God to Create
Sometimes the change we are waiting for in our marriage begins with the person we see in the mirror.
There was once a man who constantly complained to God about his wife.
When they first married, he told God, she had been different. She took care of herself. She smiled more. She seemed happy to see him. She made him feel loved.
But now everything had changed.
She complained that he didn't earn enough. She said he never paid attention to her. She seemed irritated with him much of the time. She didn't take care of herself the way she once had.
“God,” he prayed, “what happened to the woman I married?”
One day, God answered.
“I can help you,” God said. “I can help you see a remarkable change in your wife. But it cannot happen overnight. If everything changed instantly, everyone around you would wonder what happened. So the transformation will happen gradually.”
The man's eyes lit up.
“There is one condition,” God continued. “If you are going to live beside a woman like the one you are asking Me for, you must become the kind of man worthy of sharing a life with her.”
“Absolutely,” the husband replied. “I'll change. Tell me what I need to do.”
“Go home,” God said. “Watch your wife carefully. The transformation begins today.”
He Began to Watch
The man hurried home, excited to see the first signs of the miracle.
Normally, he would walk through the door, settle onto the couch and turn on the television. But today he went looking for his wife.
He found her in the kitchen washing dishes.
He stood in the doorway and studied her face.
His wife noticed immediately.
“What?” she asked.
He almost never came into the kitchen just to be near her anymore. And he certainly hadn't looked at her like that in a long time.
Suddenly self-conscious, she pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She straightened her shirt.
And then she smiled.
The man stared at her.
She already looks different.
God really has started.
Without thinking about it, he stepped toward her and kissed her. It had been a long time since he had kissed her simply because he wanted to.
Then he remembered God's condition.
If she was changing, he needed to change too.
“Here,” he said. “Let me help you.”
He picked up a dish towel and began drying while she washed.
His wife looked at him as though he had just performed a magic trick.
Then, instead of the criticism he had grown accustomed to hearing, he heard something he hadn't heard in a while.
“Thank you.”
The Transformation Continues
The next afternoon, the man found himself wondering:
If God has already started changing her, what will she look like today?
On his way home from work, he stopped and bought flowers.
After all, he thought, if he was going to live with an extraordinary woman, he should start behaving like a man who appreciated one.
When he walked through the front door, his wife was wearing a nice dress. She had done her hair.
She had noticed his attention the night before. For the first time in a long while, she had felt like making an effort.
He handed her the flowers.
Her eyes widened.
“For me?”
“Of course.”
She lowered her eyes, blushed slightly and smiled.
The man could hardly believe it.
God is really doing this.
Then he noticed the dining table.
Dinner was ready. The table had been set nicely. Somehow the entire house felt warmer.
His wife put the flowers in a vase and kept glancing at them while they ate. Each time she did, she smiled.
But another thought occurred to him.
If she is becoming different, I have to keep changing too.
So instead of finishing dinner and disappearing into another room, he stayed at the table.
He looked across at her.
“What would you like to do tomorrow?” he asked.
His wife paused.
The question genuinely confused her.
He hadn't asked what she wanted to do in a very long time.
“I don't know,” she said softly. “You choose.”
“How about dinner downtown and a show? I already checked the tickets. And before that, maybe we could find you something nice to wear.”
His wife stared at him.
For the first time in a long while, she felt noticed.
Something Was Happening to Both of Them
The days passed, and the transformation continued.
He began listening when she spoke instead of immediately defending himself.
He helped around the house without waiting to be asked.
He began noticing when she was tired.
Sometimes he brought home coffee for her.
She began asking about his day before he had the chance to ask about hers.
She laughed more.
She took greater care of herself.
She criticized him less because she no longer felt quite so invisible.
And strangely enough, he began feeling more respected too.
Weeks later, they sat together after another quiet dinner. They had talked. They had laughed. They had cleaned up the kitchen side by side.
The man leaned back in his chair.
“That may have been the best dinner I've had in years.”
Then he looked across the table.
And stopped.
There she was.
The woman he had been asking God to create.
She was smiling at him with warmth, affection and gratitude.
For a moment, he could only stare.
Then he began to understand.
Maybe God Was Changing Him, Too
The miracle wasn't quite what he had expected.
He had asked God to change his wife.
But somewhere along the way, God had been changing him too.
He had begun treating his wife like someone precious—and she began to feel precious.
He listened, and she wanted to talk.
He offered kindness, and kindness began coming back.
He noticed her, and she began noticing him.
Neither of them had become perfect. Marriage doesn't work that way. Nor can one spouse take responsibility for changing the other.
And there are marriages in which one spouse can give generously and receive very little in return. Love is not a formula for controlling another person's response.
But there is another truth worth considering:
We help create the relational environment in which our marriages live.
A marriage can gradually develop patterns in which each person waits for the other to go first.
I'll be affectionate when you're affectionate.
I'll listen when you stop criticizing me.
I'll respect you when you start appreciating me.
I'll pursue you when you start pursuing me.
And so two people can sit across the same table, each waiting to receive what neither one is currently giving.
Sometimes breaking that cycle begins with a surprisingly difficult decision:
I will go first.
Not because it guarantees that my spouse will change.
Not because everything wrong with our marriage is my responsibility.
But because I can take responsibility for the kind of spouse I am becoming.
At the Marriage Table, that is often where a different conversation begins.
We can spend years asking:
“Why has my spouse changed?”
Perhaps there is another question worth bringing to the table: